Recovery Article of the week
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By Kathy L
A couple of weeks ago one of the women who consistently attend the Monday night meeting asked to see me after the meeting. She has been sober for over ten years but only recently made the decision to attend meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps. She will admit that she was a dry drunk but as long as she was dry, life went on.
Her purpose in talking to me privately was at the suggestion of her sponsor. I imagine her sponsor said to pick two women and I was one of them. The nature of her wanting to talk with me is not important but the conversation that ensued turned out to be very important. She is working on Step 4 and has been terribly upset and confused by her resentments. I don’t know what they are as it is not my business to know but I do know they are old and deeply rooted.
We all know that this isn’t new. Most of our resentments are old and seated deep within us. I know many people in recovery have a difficult time with Steps 4 and 5 and, God knows, I’ve written enough about them. But here I am writing more because my friend revealed her fear of the step(s). Honestly, it was a fear I didn’t have but you might have had or perhaps have today.
Her fear is that she will work these two steps and her resentment(s) will be as strong as ever. If her resentments remain strong, then should she wait and work these steps later in the hopes that she can work these out through prayer and work with her sponsor? Yet, if she doesn’t continue working the steps as she should, she remains in that limbo she lived in all of those years and risks her sobriety.
Thinking about her words and my own experiences with the steps and resentments, I told her what I thought and her response was, “No one has ever said that before.” Since 12 Step programs do not have rules, I could only tell her how I felt about her concerns. I have since hoped that I did not tell her anything her sponsor could not support as she would then be totally confused. This is how I see it, though.
I’m jumping ahead to Step 9 and we know that we compartmentalize our amends. There are some we do immediately and some we may never be able to do but as time goes on, the difficult ones may not be as difficult. Well, when I look at resentments in Steps 4 and 5, I believe we follow the “suggestions” of the Big Book, write our columns (adding that most important fourth column) and dig deep to put these resentments out there. There is nothing, however, that says because we tell someone in Step 5 that these resentments somehow disappear. Discussing our resentments and dissecting the who, why, and our part brings us closer to letting them go. Do they disappear all because we talk about them? Do they disappear immediately because we work Steps 6 and 7?
Resentments are definitely a foe and a real danger to any addict. Like our defects, there may be a resentment or two that we don’t want to let go. That is definitely dangerous. Putting our resentments out there, though, because we are doing a thorough, honest inventory and talking about them is different. But it doesn’t mean that they disappear. Here is an example: many women I have worked with or talked with in recovery were sexually abused as children. These women have huge resentments toward their abusers and who wouldn’t. Do you think that one round of Steps 4 & 5 will eliminate all of these resentments? My answer is absolutely not! These take time. Of course, the sooner the better but I know of women who have taken years to rid themselves of these resentments because in these cases, it is also about forgiveness.
All things are possible with God. We truly do not have to live our lives in resentment. There is much work we sometimes have to do to eliminate a resentment. The inventory and talking to another person is a beginning. Then there are all of the remaining steps which include prayer and meditation. The point I would like to make here is this: don’t be afraid of Steps 4 and 5 because you have deep seated resentments that are not going to disappear instantly. If you think that everyone in recovery woke up one day and all of our resentments were gone, you are so wrong. Remember that we are all human. All because we are working a program as best we can, doesn’t mean we change instantly. Resentments like defects may take time.
Don’t procrastinate any of the steps out of fear. Fear is the very thing we want to conquer by working the steps. It is progress, not perfection. Do the very best you can. As the Ninth Step Promises get closer, you will see that perhaps God did for you what you could not do for yourself and the resentments you obsessed over are farther and farther behind.
Namaste’. May you walk your journey in peace and harmony.
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Forgiveness - Gifting Ourselves |
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The first thing I think of when I hear the word “forgive” is the old phrase “forgive and forget”. That phrase is used often and when it is said I always get the feeling that whatever needs to be forgiven is not all that serious. I interpret it that way because if I can forget a wrong, it must not have been all that bad.
Before I accepted my addiction and began recovery, I had this notion that it was I who had to forgive because everyone did things to me! I ignored the “forgive and forget” because the wrongs that were done me were way too serious. The evil wrongdoers would have a place in my mind so that I could constantly remember what they had done. There was no way I could forgive (why should I?) and I would never forget. I probably would also make sure that anyone who would listen would know what had been done to me. This was an extra boost because now I could be a victim. Pity party, anyone??
So what happened to us when we were harmed in some way? We drank, drugged, shopped, gambled, ate or did whatever our addiction dictated because we didn’t know anything else. We replayed experiences, incidences and people over and over in our heads. These could have happened a day ago or 20 years ago. It didn’t matter. They became a part of our life. We liked it because we could continue to make excuses why we held on to our addiction. (As I write this, I have to tell you that I feel the misery.) We allowed all of these to hold us hostage.
When we make a decision to admit our addiction and begin a recovery program, we inadvertently begin to learn about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a skill that can be taught but rather creeps into our hearts and souls gradually. Most important is that we must recognize how arrogant was our thinking when we truly believed it was up to us to forgive, forgetting that there were probably a lot more folks out there who we needed to ask forgiveness of. It was all about us then but today we know different.
A while ago in my quest to focus on meditation I was particularly drawn to American Buddhist, Jack Kornfield. He teaches that we can cultivate forgiveness through meditation and repeated practice make forgiveness a part of our lives. I particularly love the word “practice”. I like to think that I “practice” forgiveness as one of my principles. The more practice, the more peace and serenity. I am convinced that the practice of forgiveness should be a part of daily prayer or meditation.
I want to share with you my experience with forgiveness meditation and I would invite you to try this on a regular basis. Remember it is practice. About one year ago I made what I now call an “error in judgment”. This error was going to have serious results so I had only one choice. I had to ask for forgiveness. I also had to remember that being forgiven did not mean there were no repercussions for my mistake. I accepted that fact. So I remembered the forgiveness meditation I had read about (and, by the way had read in a number of other books written by other American Buddhists) and determined it was what I needed to do…it was what I had to do.
The forgiveness meditation is about forgiving others; asking forgiveness of others; and then asking forgiveness of yourself. I read that it was a good idea to envision the faces of those you think about during this meditation. There are no “right” words but this is what I say:
I forgive all who have harmed me in any way intentionally or unintentionally. May I forgive them.
I ask forgiveness of all whom I have harmed in any way intentionally or unintentionally. May they forgive me.
I ask forgiveness for harming myself in any way intentionally or unintentionally. May I forgive myself.
I follow up with the Serenity Prayer. The first time I practiced this (Click "Read More" to finish article)
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Independence Through Step Three |
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Kathy L.
BellaOnline's 12 Step Recovery Editor
Independence Through Step Three
Isn't it amazing how you can read the same pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous or the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions over and over again and still find something new? Or maybe we are at a different point in our lives and our recovery and what didn't seem important before becomes a "How could I have possibly missed this?" I'm not a big underliner/highlighter kind of person unless something strikes me immediately so I am always amazed at what didn't hit me hard the first, second, third, time.
This month we are reading and discussing Step Three using the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. I cannot be 100% sure that all of you reading this read or use this publication for working and understanding the Steps. In all likelihood you do but if you are a newcomer, you may not be aware that this book brings the steps to us in a much more personal way than the Big Book. The Big Book remains to be the text but I think most of us can relate to the 12x12 because it just speaks to us in a different way.
So here are the few words from the 12x12 that I have read a hundred times but just recently heard: "The more we become willing to depend on a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. Therefore, as A.A. practices it, is really a means of gaining the independence of the spirit." (p. 36) I used to believe that my most freeing Step was Five; then it was Nine. Today, I believe that Step Three has given me the most freedom emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. That does not mean that I casually turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power all of the time and easily. But it is a lot easier today than it was in the beginning of my recovery and certainly light years from how I felt when I was in the middle of my disease.
Think about how much time we probably spent worrying about a situation or a person. Perhaps we felt we were obligated to care in some way or we might have tried to manipulate anything and everything for the "right" outcome. How often did we believe we had to be the person to make the decision(s) or control others into doing what we thought best for them (and for us)? How many days/nights did you ever spend with a singular thought or problem running around and around in your head and having to drink or drug over it? If you see yourself in these scenarios, as I do, then you know what it feels like to be held hostage to your own ego; how important we are/were.
I have realized recently how free I feel that I don't have to make any decision by myself especially the tough ones. I don't have to face any crisis alone ever again. I don't have to have one problem running around in the hamster wheel that can be my mind. I can turn it over. I can let it go. And the reason I can now let it go is because I have given my Higher Power the okay to take it from me. He was waiting for me. He had been waiting and waiting, ready to lighten my burden but I was too self-absorbed and proud to ask for help. No more! I am FREE! I also have tools. I have a God Box which has served me well and continues to serve me well. And I am amazed when I look inside to read exactly how God has helped me in difficult times.
Look around at the people you know. Look at your family members and friends or maybe co-workers. Are there any of them that just seem genuinely happy and content no matter what life gives them? I have realized that these are the people who continually turn their lives and wills over to their Higher Power and most of them didn't need a 12 Step program to show them how. I am fortunate to be able to witness these types because my parents, brothers and sisters are among them. (Yes, I am the black sheep.) I "get it" now. I understand them and how they get through problems big and small and are in gratitude no matter what the result. I'm learning. I'm willing. I'm teachable.
Turning our will and our lives over to a Higher Power sounds scary. It almost sounds like we
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By Kathy L.
Bella Online Recovery Editor
Almost everyone I know in recovery has underlined parts of the Big Book or the 12 & 12 that hold special meaning. Some have just about the entire book(s) highlighted and some, like me, write phrases, clichés or words that we hear in meetings. At times I will write a personal note to myself in the margin because something hits me as I read. I must admit that at this point in my recovery I’m usually reading these books in a group and so a long period of time goes by before there is any repetition.
There are some things I’d written a number of years ago that I can’t quite make sense of the meaning today. But there are other thoughts I had put down that not only make sense but still give me pause. These either serve as a reminder to me that sobriety is one day at a time no matter how long we are in recovery or that I still have issues that need attention.
We were reading Step Two of the 12 & 12 and on the very last page I had written: “How did I expect God to love me when I couldn’t love myself?” Perhaps this was one of those times when I read what I needed to read and ironically they were my own words to myself. So often in the fellowship we all hear someone share about self-loathing and someone will say, “We will love you until you learn to love yourself.” Why is loving ourselves so difficult?
Love is a complicated subject whether we are talking about loving ourselves, others or accepting love from others. I thought it was easy to love others but the reality is that when we are in our disease, we truly love no one. What we do for others to show or prove our love is usually self-seeking and is more about how good we look. I have mentioned before that years ago I saw someone who read chakras. This was in my self-help seeking period. He told me that I would do anything for anyone; that I had the capacity to love others but I could not accept love from others.
At first I thought this was crazy but later on I realized that he was 100% correct. I couldn’t accept love from others because I couldn’t love myself. This whole “love thing” is very confusing even in sobriety. Today I realize that it is many times the small things that I have to accept as love. More important, though, is that I learned that I couldn’t accept love because I did not believe I was worthy. I didn’t believe I was worthy of God’s love or human love. If someone loved
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Recovery Article of the Month
In the meeting rooms of recovery there are countless personal testaments about experiences before and after, weaknesses, strengths, hopes, sorrow, joy and anything else that a person would like to share. There are times when someone's share seems just another voice and there are times when the share strikes a chord that makes you just sit up and pay attention. It is the latter that had an effect on me and is why I have chosen to share this with you. It is one of those stories that after one person shares is passed on and on and on. I would not be surprised if some of you have already heard this story or some variation of it.
Before I begin I want to make sure I offer a few thoughts. This story is not about getting what you want. This story is about Step Three. There are times when I believe I am turning everything over to my Higher Power but nothing seems to be happening. So the question is, "Hey, God. Are you listening? Could you find a way to let me know? I'm all alone here and need help." This is the premise of the story.
A man recovering from alcohol and drugs had hit bottom. He had lost everything personal, material, and his once thriving business was bankrupt. Now that he was in recovery, he wanted these things back. He wanted the BIG things. After speaking to his sponsor he was told not to pray for "things" but to pray to know God's will. "So how do I know God is listening?" the man asked. The sponsor told him to ask God for a sign. "Ask for dimes", he said. "Dimes? What can I possibly do with dimes?" "Not much", said his sponsor, "but I think maybe you need to ask your Higher Power for something small so that He can show you He is listening and that you must continue to pray and be patient." And so that is what he prayed for...dimes!
Within a certain period of time, the man had a very important appointment with someone who had the ability to infuse capital into his doomed business. He prayed and prayed to turn it over and decided to ask for a dime just so he knew his Higher Power was listening.
The day of the appointment came and he walked into the empty marbled foyer of the office building. Saying a little prayer before punching the elevator button, he heard something drop to the floor. Guess what? A dime! Do I even have to tell you that the meeting was a successful, his life changed completely, and from that moment on he never took another drink or another drug. This is a true story. It really happened.
(Click "Read More" to read rest of article)
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